Why do I think of Gunsmoke?

Discussion in 'Jokes and Funny Things' started by Snagged, Mar 18, 2007.

  1. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    Roping a Deer

    With the high price of meat and not wanting to kill one of my herd, I came up with a great idea for some extra corn fed meat on the dinner table.

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and chow down on some good fattened up venison. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

    I knew that the deer congregated at my cattle feeder and did not seem to have much fear of me when I was there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of my ole pickup truck not even 4 feet away) so it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up. There were 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I had lassoed it and then I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. So I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred into action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer literally EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that same weight range I could fight down with a rope keeping some of my dignity. A deer, there was no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it! As it jerked me off my feet! Then started dragging me across the ground, suddenly it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me, whenever I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

    At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of my rope. I figured if I just let go of the rope then with the end of the rope hanging from its neck, it would get caught on something and die a slow and painfully death somewhere.

    Now by this time, I assure you, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling probably was mutual.

    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots, where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks and logs, as I was being dragged across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for this situation. Because of this I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there, trapped with no place to run and then I started moving close to it, so I could get my rope off of it's neck.

    Did you know that deer bite? They sure enough do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer really bites you, hangs on and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. Now the proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. Instead, I tried screaming and shaking and pulling instead. My method was ineffective to say the least. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy totally disfiguring my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This however was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a school girl, and tried to turn and run.

    The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance it will hit you in the back of the head. Now deer may not be so different from horses after all, except for being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there screaming and crying and trying to cover your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the pickup truck and the devil deer finally left. I was pretty beat up as you might imagine. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty badly and felt broken (it turned out to just be badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, even though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it.

    I managed to drive to the nearest place, which was the Farmer's Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like I don't know what.

    The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, "What happened?" Although I have never seen any law in the state of Texas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect this may be an area that they have overlooked entirely. But knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I figured that they may find a way to twist the existing laws so as to paint my actions as criminal. And not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid, I told him "I had been attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on the deer. The evidence of my attack was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come and get me. Because, I didn't think I could make it home on my own.

    Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know all about the wild deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in any events of this nature. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was just filling the grain feeder and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the heck out of me and BITING me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

    EVERYBODY for miles around now knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). So for several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people my story, but NEVER anybody around here.
    I have to see and live with these people every day and I sure don't want to be seen as an outsider or "city folk". I don't want them snickering behind my back and whispering, "There is the dummy that tried to rope a deer!"
     
  2. awesum

    awesum Senior Member

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    Jerry....

    When you sent me this via email last week I thought it was hilarious and forwarded it to my friend I mentioned to you that is an outdoor writer and writes for the Dallas Safari Club and some other publications. When he got it he started calling me he was so excited about this and asked if he could reprint it in one of his columns. He too, thought it was hilarious . He was wanting to know if I knew who to credit for it's writing and I told him as far as I knew it was an email I got from someone who got it from someone and so on. I think he decided to use it and credit "author unknown".

    Hope thats OK


    B
     

  3. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    There was no name on the original I received.
     
  4. Gunsmoke

    Gunsmoke Guest

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    Snagged,
    I saw that last week. It was a good one. Unfortunately, I've done better than that with another animal. But, I don't want to write about it. It might hit the paper. All I can say is that they called me "Ben Hur" for a brief time in my life.

    I did some pretty stupid things as a kid with wild animals. Ended up in the hospital a couple of times. One thing I don't do is jump in with fish. I'm fine with wrestling some animals as long as it is fair play. I like the luxury of having my feet on the ground.
     
  5. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    GS,
    I'd like to hear that story.
    Jerry