[txseadog]

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where ...


1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.


2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.


3. You can drive for 4 hours i n one direction and never leave town.


4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.


5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!


You can Live in California where .


1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.


2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.


3. You know how to eat an artichoke.


4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.


5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


You can Live in New York City where .

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.


2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.


3. You think Central Park is "nature,"


4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.


5. You've worn out a car horn.


6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can Live in Maine where .



1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.


2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.


3. You have more than one recipe for moose.


4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.


5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where .

1. Y ou can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.


2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.


3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.


4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.



You can live in Colorado where .


1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.


2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.


3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.


4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



You can live in the Midwest where .


1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.


2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor or an Amish buggy.


3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.


4. You end sentences w ith a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"


5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



AND You can live in Florida where..


1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.


2. All purchas es include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.


3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.


4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.


5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

[Uncle Russ]

Great stuff! However, you are wrong in one respect: California has a fifth season--street riots.

Also, you can live in Texas where:

God painted the sunset burnt orange to tell you where you should go to school.

He gave us over a quarter of million square miles to keep the Californians and the mid-westerners and the southerners hundreds of miles away from San Antonio.

Where those foreigners who do show up end up loving the State, if possible, more than those of us whose great-great-great grandparents were born here.

Where farting and the death penalty are spectator sports, and happen with about the same frequency.

Where somebody from a trailer park and somebody else from Highland Park can end up best friends and fish together.

Where the rest of the country sends their condom orders for units a foot long and 3 inches wide--and our factories send them back in boxes marked "Medium."

And where, long ago, Jesus said to the Aggies: "Just play dumb until I get back."

Russ

 

[MrBill]

God painted the sunset burnt orange to tell you where you should go to school.

Russ

God made Tuna blood maroon to tell everyone which school in the state is the best.

Uncle Russ, please answer these three questions for me concerning the three big sports in college. Football, Basketball, Baseball. The questions only refer to the Maroon and Orange teams.

Who won the football game last year?

Who went the farthest in the NCAA final four tournament?

Who went the farthest in the NCAA baseball tournament?

You should see what Gunsmoke does to Tea Sippers that happen to appear on his boat. It's the funniest thing you will ever see in your life. It's absolutely hilarious. I won't tell you what happens as it is a surprise for all tea-sippers.

 

[Uncle Russ]

MrBill:I admit you guys prevailed--for one year! I have not checked the overall record over the last century for a couple of hours, so I have forgotten that. As for the Maroon and White, I always did think it was appropriate that you guys chose the colors of a diseased liver.

As for Gunsmoke, if there is something secret that man does, that is more damned outrageous than the stuff he has lay claim to in print, it would scare my sorry old a$$ just thinking about it.

By the way, you may not have heard yet, but the NCAA just put OU on probation for two years, took away a few scholarships, and forced the land thieves to forfeit 8 or 9 games. Gotta love it. It should remind folks who think chicken wings are the same as prime rib, of those glory days under Barry Switzer when the Ags were doing their imitation of SMU!

 

[lite-liner]

"Where farting & the death penalty are spectator sports, & happen
with about the same frequency"
That's FUNNY! I'm gonna put that on a bumper sticker.
thanks,uncle RUSS, for putting a laugh in my otherwise nightmarish day
tight lines
-Brian

 

[Gunsmoke]

Gunsmoke[/B], if there is something secret that man does, that is more damned outrageous than the stuff he has lay claim to in print, it would scare my sorry old a$$ just thinking about it.

Uncle Russ, is your heart in good shape. Can you swim. If so, I could have some fun with you. You seem to have a sense of humor. My Sip trick is the best. At least I think it's funny.

 

[Uncle Russ]

Uncle Russ, is your heart in good shape. Can you swim. If so, I could have some fun with you. You seem to have a sense of humor. My Sip trick is the best. At least I think it's funny.

'Smoke: I have no doubt a bunch of young stud Ags, hopped up on steroids and one year of victories could prevail over a pathetic, greyheaded old man who was chasing their mothers around while their fathers were wondering when their pea-shooters would turn into cannons. Even though I am an old fart, I had a heart scan just as a precaution and that sucker had zero plaque built up in it. And I can swim like a sumbich in salt water. I keep up my skills by watching Jaws before each offshore trip. I'll guarantee that if you give me a compass and a quart bottle of water before you throw me overboard, I'll make either the shore or a rig. Of course what I'm not saying is, that if I ever even shook hands with you beside a swimming pool, I would have an inflatable PFD under my shirt and a PLB inserted where the prisoners in French Guiana kept their cash!

And yes, I do have a sense of humor--I had to develop one the first time I took off my clothes in front a woman.

Russ