[Snagged]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme ?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

 

[Uncle Russ]

Since first I tasted glorious love with you,
I've prayed that God would send somebody new.

Your face is like a rose in bloom,
Your breath is like an open tomb.

How could I love a woman more,
Than you, you toothless, drunken wh*re?

My darling, I have loved you all my life,
More blissful love by far, than with my wife!

How do I love thee, let me count the ways,
Oh, hell, just forget it. I've had better lays.

Fly to my lonely heart on love's soft wings,
And do for free what other women do for rings.

On this our anniversary day,
Please shave your armpits--or at least the gray.

While violins played our favorite tune,
You passed gas on our honeymoon.