Dear Abby

Discussion in 'Jokes and Funny Things' started by d-a, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. d-a

    d-a Senior Member

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    Dear Abby,

    I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a cross-dresser.

    My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are also weed dealers in Dallas .

    I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of murder.

    I have recently become engaged to marry a former escort who lives in Longview . She now is a part time "working girl".

    All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

    Signed,
    Worried About My Reputation
     
  2. rhale

    rhale Senior Member

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    That,s a good one.....
     

  3. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    Doug: You failed to mention that you are a citizen of the state of Georgia and that when you drive down to Texas for some real man's fishing, your car looks like Ma and Pa Kettle leaving the farm. :)

    But even setting that aside for the moment, I wouldn't lose a minute's sleep over your cousin's political persuasion--when you take your girlfriend for that inevitable visit to meet your parents, if she can stand even fifteen minutes in Fort Worth, she will forgive all your other shortcomings. The place reminds me of San Francisco in that Movie, "On the Beach" where everyone has been killed by fallout. If you take away the Bass family, the average yearly income is less than the price of filling up your Ford. (Did I mention that everyone in Fort Worth drives a Ford?) I won't say the people in Fort Worth are dull, but the only place anyone is having sex is at the zoo. (I recommend the monkeys.) Whenever somebody dies, they have to bury three people on average, before they get the right one.

    I went to Fort Worth for a U.T. game against TCU back in the early 'sixties. U.T. won something like 69-0. I asked a cab driver to take me where the action was, and he drove me to Wichita Falls. But that's another story. During my stay, I met this girl who had been a biker chick and had cheated on the four guys she rode with. She also stole their dope and ratted on them to the cops. She told me they talked about torturing her and killing her, but instead, when they rode through Fort Worth, they just left her there.

    There are not too many positives I can think of with regard to Fort Worth--I guess if it were moved to Georgia, at least its homeless people would have a chance to enter state politics. The only other good news is that the birth rate is declining. Fort Worth is like Seadrift, Texas without any water or fish.

    The city is also the subject of the worst song ever written in the English language (with the possible exception of "The Ballad of Amelia Earhart". The chorus goes like this:

    On the muscle of my arm
    There's a red and blue tatoo,
    That says "Fort Worth, I love you."

    Good Lord have mercy on us!

    Russ
     
  4. d-a

    d-a Senior Member

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    Uncle Russ,

    The car would have looked better if Louis's dry rotted trailer tire hadn't beat the car up when it came apart.

    Now I know why you got that tattoo covered up on your bicep, I thought it might have been from your days in prison for dodging the draft.

    d-a
     
  5. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    Doug: Didn't have to dodge the draft--my birthday came up number 361 in the first lottery. No joke.

    But now that I look back on it, (sorry to get serious for a moment) I might have been a better person if I had served. Won't go into any details here in public, but the more I see of all the people who did serve in the military--drafted or volunteered--old and young--are some pretty fine folks. Sure there are exceptions, but just my opinion.

    That was pretty funny your having chunks of tire flying all around you while we were clueless.

    Russ