Berating About Raw Fish (BARF)

Discussion in '360 Degrees Lounge' started by Uncle Russ, Jun 4, 2008.

  1. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    This board is deader than a Hillary supporter in Hell, right now, so I want to get something off my chest--I have no doubt this thread will be left to die a well-deserved death, and I am OK with that, but I just hope everyone who eats raw fish gets to see it first. Here's the deal:

    I hate raw fish—and not only raw tuna (whether you call it “ahi” or “sushi” or “sashimi” or “puss ‘n freakin’ boots”), but also raw ling, raw bass, raw alligator gar or raw snakehead—I hate all of it. It gives you parasites, and liver flukes, and nematodes and if you eat a lot of it you are almost certain to look down in the toilet a couple of months later and see a 32-foot tapeworm looking back at you. And for what—so you can tell all your high-falootin’ country-club buddies that you “…ahem, dined on most excellent sashimi topped off with an excellent, aromatic vin blanc that had a naïve domesticity to it but that was faintly amusing.” Don’t give me that crap, Vern—you ate raw fish, and then tried to kill the taste by swilling it down with cheap wine.

    It is against God's will to eat raw anything. That's why he invented fire.

    I damned near went to sleep driving all around New Orleans because both gimmedeal and Drifter were competeing with each other over who was the coolest, looking for some kind of green-rotted-horse-radish crap to dip their raw fish in before going on to Venice. We never did find any and I swear it ruined their trip. Both of them clamored on about how lightly seared they wanted their tuna--but then I saw both of them sneak out and feed it to the cats--but the cats rejected it. My own tuna turned out delicious, and so was the ribeye--well done.

    The truth is that Americans are dilettantes. We love America with all our hearts, but we don’t really think that it is cool to be an American and talk loud, and fart, and drink Gallo, and eat our food the way the good Lord intended--cooked to pieces. So we imitate other countries that we think are cool. For a long time it was the French—now it’s the Japanese. We think the Japanese pay a thousand dollars a pound for raw fish (and then eat if for God’s sake) so we think we ought to do that too. It's kind of like seeing someone cleaning out a latrine with a soda cup and a straw. Yeah, they might be doing it but it damned sure doesn't mean I have to!

    I have no doubt that in a few years, we will abandon our love for raw fish and start eating raw ground-dwelling beetles alive, in the manner of South American Indians.

    I have a fishing buddy who is otherwise quite sane. I have watched him preparing ceviche and while doing so, reach inside the shorts he has worn for 5 days and scratch his butt, then go on handling the food. When I confronted him with it, he said, “Now Russ, the lemon juice cooks the fish—so you don’t have to worry.” The hell I don’t.

    I’ve got news for you—the Japanese don’t really eat sushi—they just lie about it and then watch us eating it and laugh like hell at us behind our backs. And what’s more, there are a lot of other things that the Japanese indulge in that I don’t recommend—like eating rhinoceros horn to help you get it up—I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. Besides, it was really tough on my pet rhino.

    And not only do I hate raw fish, but I don’t like people who eat raw fish—I have no respect for any of you. God intended man to eat his meat and his fish—now hear this—well done. No if s, and s or but s about it. And if I find out you disagree with that one basic principle, then I don’t want to have anything to do with you—you are on my enemies list—you are either for me or against me—I will feel about you the same way I would kissing a member of the Donner party after she munched down on the leg of her brother-in-law.

    Yechhh.

    And with that I am going to close by sharing Uncle Russ’s own personal favorite tuna recipe with all of you:

    Slice your tuna into ¼ inch steaks.
    Boil it for 30 minutes.
    Dry off on paper towels.
    Place in a skillet and cook in hot oil for an hour, turning every 5 minutes.
    Remove and grill over very hot coals for 30 minutes.
    Slice with a knife to check that there is no pink in the middle.

    Cover with catsup and serve. After all, presentation is everything.

    Russ
     
  2. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    Russ,
    Now you've managed to offend me with the following statement "but we don’t really think that it is cool to be an American " not only is it cool to be AMERICAN it is GREAT to be an AMERICAN.
     

  3. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    snagged: No offense--speaking only in the collective "we". Probably should have said "some of us." I love being an American too. Hell, When I hear: "Press one for English", I hang up. But I don't eat raw fish. :)

    Russ
     
  4. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    Russ,
    My motto has always been try it once it might be fun. A night drop out a plane is wonderful!
     
  5. jureal

    jureal Senior Member

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    I'll bring my own Wasabi on the November trip.....lol

    Russ.....get with it....It's, well.....an acquired taste. :) :) :)

    Did, I ever tell you about the time that my mother-in-law thought that big ole bowl of WASABI was guacamole?
     
  6. Bret

    Bret Senior Member

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    I'll bring my own Wasabi on the November trip.....lol

    Russ.....get with it....It's, well.....an acquired taste. :) :) :)

    Did, I ever tell you about the time that my mother-in-law thought that big ole bowl of WASABI was guacamole?

    Yeah, Russ its not that bad...... the wasabi/ginger/soy combo is used to get that shitty tuna taste out of your mouth... ;)

    Jureal, I have seen a few folks get a mouthfull of wasibi as well... they looked like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of their Ears and nose
     
  7. Grescobia

    Grescobia Senior Member

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    I look forward to your post uncle Russ. you make my day.
     
  8. Fishhead56

    Fishhead56 Senior Member

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    Dear Uncle Russ;

    I would beg to differ with you on one of your pionts. But I can't pick just one!
    LoL

    Very funny stuff again.
    Thanks

    K2
     
  9. hatidua

    hatidua Senior Member

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    Don't hold back Russ, tell us how you really feel! ;)
     
  10. Muddskipper

    Muddskipper Senior Member

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    Russ,

    you really should of tried the 5 day old butt hair Civeche style....it would of made you a believer........
     
  11. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    jureal: I grew up in San Antonio and almost all my buddies were Mexican guys. We would take Yankee visitors to a restaurant downtown called "Casablanca." We had a favorite waiter whom we would pay a buck (don't laugh--it was an hour's wage--) to bring our "guest" a huge table spoon full of chopped jalapenos--the hottest I've ever known, and tell him, "Would you like to sample our San Antonio pickles, Senor?" I suspect it wasn't so much his nose exploding, like with the Wasabi, but more like his tounge curling up and shooting out of his ass like that tapeworm I mentioned up above.

    As for the rest of you yahoos, I'm ignoring you. You obviously don't take me seriously.

    Russ
     
  12. Argo

    Argo Senior Member

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    sounds like something drshark would write......
     
  13. d-a

    d-a Senior Member

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    Russ,
    My motto has always been try it once it might be fun. A night drop out a plane is wonderful!

    Until you land in at tree and climb inside your reserve instead of down the outside.:D

    d-a
     
  14. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    Argo: I wouldn't compare me in any way with DrShark--that man knows how to fish.

    d-a: Years ago, I worked with an ex-para-trooper from World War II--a tall, lean, strong man with pure white hair. I don't know how many combat jumps he had survived. We had a young co-worker named Ted who announced one day he was going sky diving. George sniffed his disapproval and Ted said, "George, don't always be against something you haven't tried." Shortly after that, I suspect Ted had two of what he'd only had one of before. :)

    Russ
     
  15. Gunsmoke

    Gunsmoke Guest

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    Russ,

    You must have had a boring day at work. God only knows what got you on the "BARF" rampage. Somebody in your building must have dropped the "Sushi" word to many times.

    I've probably eaten every animal on earth. Some cooked, some not. My gut has been referred to as "Old Ironside". I'll admit, that Old Ironside is starting to get pit marks inside it. It also makes a lot more noise as it ages. It still feels the need to consume at least one pound of butter, bacon, and some form of lard per week. The lubrication from the grease keeps me regular and all my joints well lubricated. Without the above basic three food groups, I would die in a month.

    I've gotten where I like my lard and butter melted. When I was younger, I would grab a stick of butter and just start eating it like an apple. I've only see butter on a menu once in my life. I ordered it. I also don't like raw bacon any more. I like it cooked in a frying pan and then use the bacon grease for my daily three fried over easy eggs. Here's a tip for you fisherman. Dip your feather lures and bucktails in luke warm bacon grease. Not only does it keep your tackle box smelling like breakfast, the fish love it.

    You mentioned Casablanca restaurant. Did you mean Casa Blanco? It was on the corner of Guadalupe and Brazos. I have many good memories of that place. My father loved that place. Best Caldo in town. The city now owns the property. Just like every thing they touch, it is now ruined. It's part of the Guadalupe Cultural Art Center which the city pumped over 15 million of our tax dollars into the heart of the west side of town to revitalize it. I might add, the most violent side of town. Drugs, prostitution, public housing, homeless, shooting, stabbings and daily domestic violence. Nothing has changed. The tile is stolen daily, as is the decorative iron works and anything else that they can sell. When the sun sets, the old west side comes out.

    As a matter of fact, when Obama came to San Antonio, some city council guys picked the Guadalupe Cultural Center for his speech. Mrbill, God love him, has a business in that horrible area. On that particular day, people were walking for miles to see Obama. He put a sign on his building that day. "The next one mile is what your neighborhood will look like after electing Obama". Most of the white democrats have never visited that part of town often referred to as death row or little Mexico. He told me that most never reached the center as they became scared and turned around.

    One more thing on this eating issue. I bet I can think of one thing you eat or dream about eating raw. There is one particular thing that all men talk about eating and loving it. Fact is, you have to eat it raw, it smells, grows yeast and really doesn't taste better with age. It will also give you diseases that will make those big tapeworms look pretty good.
     
  16. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    Until you land in at tree and climb inside your reserve instead of down the outside.:D

    d-a

    :rolleyes: Been there and done that too :eek:
     
  17. d-a

    d-a Senior Member

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    :rolleyes: Been there and done that too :eek:
    Sux doesnt it

    d-a
     
  18. crazyjigr

    crazyjigr Senior Member

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    Great post, ya just gota love it!! RAW
     
  19. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    Sux doesnt it

    d-a

    Yep!
    I remember a guy who during a training drop thought he was coming down into a river, night drop. He said something about making a water landing and I said I didn't remember a river in the drop zone. His next words were here I go.....Did you know that asphalt roads can glisten like water in starlight?