An Italian "Vacation":

Discussion in 'Jokes and Funny Things' started by Uncle Russ, Oct 21, 2008.

  1. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    All right, all right. This was my fourth trip to Europe, and I know what Barack Obama would say about me--I'm just another undeserving Ugly American who should feel privileged to throw good money after bad in Europe while the folks there insult me for the fact that my parents' generation had to save them from their own stupidity for letting folks like Mussolini and Hitler poke them where they sit down.

    Rome, Florence, Milan, and Venice: among the cradles of Western Civilization. Dirty streets, young people and old alike inhaling unfiltered cigarette smoke into their lungs and erupting it out again through froth-corrupted lungs into the rooms and onto the streets. Directions asked and answered with "over there, now move on!" Boatmen on strike in Venice and lugging luggage over thousand-year-old bridges to the $#@&% train station. Dog turds (sure hope they were from dogs) lying all over the narrow sidewalks. More turds, (most definitely not of canine origin) floating in the Grand Canal--(I hadn't realized Gunsmoke must have gotten there a couple of days earlier!)

    And not a fish in sight. Looked out over the shallows of the Venetian lagoon and nothing tailing--no bait--no nervous water. No nothing.

    The only advantage is that, with the exception of their inedible, uncooked ham, (which is no doubt infested with trichina worms) they cook the food before serving it to you. True, some of the seafood comes to the table staring at you, but at least it isn't still wriggling.

    Every publication sold is required by law to have Barack Obama's picture staring at you as well. It is against the law throughout the European Union to use the word "Republican" with a capital "R" on page one.

    The computers have keyboards with the letters in the wrong places.

    I computed the cost of the trip and will state it in terms of what I would rather have spent it on:

    (5) 72 hour trips on the Big E.
    (2) New Accurate reels with Custom rods
    (1) New 8 weight premium fly rod with matching Tibor reel
    A new Remington Sendero with Swarovski scope
    A new feeder and 16 foot enclosed stand

    And a partridge in a frigging pear tree.

    I know you will all label me as a provincial hick, but I keep going back to the words of my grandmother who would be 108 if she were alive, and whom I loved dearly. Whenever this dear old lady was asked why she never travelled away from her ranch in south Texas, she would say:

    "Well there's nothing in London, England I've lost that I've gotta go hunt!"

    So next time my wife wants me to go to Europe, I'm gonna tell her just that. And I'm going to add that next time, we can just send about twenty grand over to the folks in Italy along with an apology for having existed, and have Gunsmoke package up a few droppings in a plastic bag and send them our way.

    I figure it this way: if God had intended an old fart like me to pay a hundred bucks for a plate of rice and raw vegetables guaranteed to make you puke up about a billion trillion amoebas, he wouldn't have placed me smack dab in the middle of His very own home--South Freaking Texas.

    Thanks for listening.

    Russ
     
  2. MrBill

    MrBill Senior Member

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    ve gotta go hunt!"

    So next time my wife wants me to go to Europe, I'm gonna tell her just that. And I'm going to add that next time, we can just send about twenty grand over to the folks in Italy along with an apology for having existed, and have Gunsmoke package up a few droppings in a plastic bag and send them our way. Russ

    My wife just returned last week from a trip to Paris. I didn't even think about going. I told her to have fun and don't get pissed off at the high prices. Her average lunch was $89. Her average dinner was $232. Breakfast (choice of some fancy pastry and coffee - $45. Room - $456 per night. Gin and tonic - $47.

    When I picked her up at the airport my first questions was "Did you have good time?". Her reply, "You would have hated it. Thank God you didn't come with us. I wasn't what I remembered twenty years ago. I'll never go back".

    Gunsmoke's wife was part of her party. She and two others were robbed. They were told in advance to buy over the head/shoulder security purses.
    They still ripped the women to the ground and stole the purses.
     

  3. Snagged

    Snagged Senior Member

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    Russ,
    I lived just outside of Roma for a short time, only problems we had were clearing old minefields and un-exploded bombs off our property.
    The food was great and my various relations always made sure we had plenty to drink.
     
  4. Uncle Russ

    Uncle Russ Senior Member

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    MrBill: And that wasn't even top end as I'm sure you know only too well--but still about 30 percent above our lifestyle while we were there. What I never get over is paying a buck and half to take a crap. Only the desire to avoid the hassle of going through a second divorce at this late period of my life has kept me on our last few trips from squatting down in front of a cathedral and leaving the gift that keeps on giving.

    Jerry: You should have left those mines where they were. :) An uncle of mine--now dead--was in Army demolitions and he traveled all over the world in the years following WWII clearing unexploded munitions. One time on a Pacific atoll, he told us about a group of islanders who used found munitions for "fishing." I guess they learned how to blow them up by lobbing a round into the warhead or whatever. In any case, at one point in the early fifties, they found a 500 pound bomb in the lagoon and lugged it up onto the beach and into their village. Apparently, the sea water had been preventing detonation in some way or another and when it started drying out...My uncle said the result was that there wasn't a grass hut or palm tree left standing within a couple of hundred yard of the epicenter.

    I think I'll stick with spinning gear.

    Russ
     
  5. workin

    workin Member

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    Hey,

    Welcome home, Russ. I feel for ya, bub. I go over there on business fairly regular and I reckon I make the best of it - which ain't all that hard when I'm using somebody else's money. If I was using my own, I might get to feelin' like I'd been took. Sure, they got good beer, but then again they got good beer here too. I'll spend my hard-earned yankee greenbacks where I made 'em.

    F
     
  6. FishinGypsy

    FishinGypsy Member

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    Being European ,I have to say thats the funniest post I've ever read . Italy ,yeah ,I have to agree its never been the same since the last Ceasar retired .Paris , I can only advise you guys to try and adopt another accent ,like everywhere else on planet Earth ,as soon as an American accent is heard ,another zero is added to the price of everything.As for London , here I have to burst another illusion. It's not a place perminantly shrouded in fog ,where everyone wears top hats and opera capes and stalks around Whitechapel ,looking for prostitutes to butcher,oh no,these days your more likely to get soaked in the rain ,while you are being mugged by a somalian assylum seeker . Don't forget we are fed American tv so everyone thinks all Americans own cattle ranches where the herd lesurely graze around the oil wells ,whilst the rich owners lounge around the shaded porch ,sipping mint jullips that Latin American servants of questionable nationality bring them ,either than or they are movie stars who's main task of the day is to find an outfit to wear that will match the colour ( sorry color ) of this weeks Farrari. Prices.... I come over to the states,buy a handful of Sage fly rods and sell them on ebay back home and it pays for my trip,my fishing and ,of course ,tips and I'm still in profit on my vacation. Plus the guys here have bought Sage fly rods at bargain prices ,everybody wins ,god bless America!On a serious note to all this,Like most Euro-trash. I find Americans the most charming ,friendly and helpfull of people and I can only say its a shame our two cultures clash in a fundimental way. You see, when I'm there ,I really notice how well mannered and polite ( by our standards ) you guys are .The cliche 'have a nice day' is part of your culture whereas in Europe,unfortunatly ,no one gives a f**k if you have a nice day or not and thats felt by American visitors.
     
  7. BFTMASTER

    BFTMASTER Senior Member

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    Next time, skip the euro scene and spend that cash in New Zealand. You'll leave there wanting more....and the fishing is good, streets are clean, safe, and the money is the valued the same or cheaper. The people go out of their way for you.

    Also, take any kind of high end sporting goods, same deal applies.
     
  8. fathom

    fathom Lifetime Supporting Members

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    Russ, nice read, but always have something important scheduled when it's a crappy destination (no fishing)

    Mr. Bill, perhaps you could coax another epic tale out of Gunsmoke!
     
  9. Boston Tangler

    Boston Tangler Site Sponsor

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    Our dollar is getting crushed. Its painful each time I have to send money to Japan, hurts getting wacked on the exchange rate. I have not been to France since I was 15 and given those prices I don't think I can afford it anytime soon.

    Some of my friends in the tackle biz report an incredible amount of sales to the E/U - and with their currency worth what 1.45:1 or 1.5:1 why wouldn't the French, Swiss, Germans, etc be buying tackle here at basically .55 cents on the dollar.

    Its like when we used to go down to Mexico 15 years ago and the Peso was worthless and we could act like big spenders for a few grand. Unfor those days are long gone.

    That's why I like Panama so much, I think 9 of us had lunch with beers at a decent place in the city bill was under $100. 4 of us went back for dinner it was $48 w tip.
     
  10. Jrzrider83

    Jrzrider83 Senior Member

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    so here's my debacle.
    unfortunately (for my fishing) my next trip will probably include my significant other. but i am looking forward to the trip none the less. being a french teacher and fluent french speaker she would like to go back to france. i have not been to europe other than ireland but i can appreciate the significance of the history and architecture. my preference would be to go back to central america but maybe there is a middle ground somewhere?
    i.e. maybe Caribbean island that has french as a native language. Most importantly a location that has jigging and popping opportunities. any ideas?
    apologies for taking the thread off topic...
     
  11. chf1949

    chf1949 Senior Member

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    so here's my debacle.
    unfortunately (for my fishing) my next trip will probably include my significant other. but i am looking forward to the trip none the less. being a french teacher and fluent french speaker she would like to go back to france. i have not been to europe other than ireland but i can appreciate the significance of the history and architecture. my preference would be to go back to central america but maybe there is a middle ground somewhere?
    i.e. maybe Caribbean island that has french as a native language. Most importantly a location that has jigging and popping opportunities. any ideas?
    apologies for taking the thread off topic...

    Chauvin, LA & Lafayette, LA.. LOL.. some still speak something resembling real french.
     
  12. BretABaker

    BretABaker Guest

    how far are you willing to travel? sami has been to a lot of places and is a french speaker so i'd talk to him and see what he thinks.

    i went solo to the restaurant dan is talking abt last time before anyone got there. i had a few drinks, appetizer and a whole pizza for like $20. of course if they check this forum it'll be $25 by the time i show up friday evening ;)
     
  13. hatidua

    hatidua Senior Member

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    so here's my debacle.
    unfortunately (for my fishing) my next trip will probably include my significant other. but i am looking forward to the trip none the less. being a french teacher and fluent french speaker she would like to go back to france. i have not been to europe other than ireland but i can appreciate the significance of the history and architecture. my preference would be to go back to central america but maybe there is a middle ground somewhere?
    i.e. maybe Caribbean island that has french as a native language. Most importantly a location that has jigging and popping opportunities. any ideas?
    apologies for taking the thread off topic...

    close: St. Martin or St. Barts
    far: New Caledonia
     
  14. Kaley

    Kaley Senior Member

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    How about Tahiti or Bora Bora? In the Carribbean, I might pick Martinique.

    If the French speaking part weren't required, I'd highly recommend southern Thailand. My friend and I took a charter out of Phuket for about $200 with tip, and we caught 39 longtail tuna, maybe a dozen kawa kawa, and 2 mahi...mostly on handlines. We kept enough fish for a few meals, and the boat sold the rest of the catch. It was a great experience to fish alongside the local crew using their methods.
     
  15. chf1949

    chf1949 Senior Member

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    That's why I like Panama so much, I think 9 of us had lunch with beers at a decent place in the city bill was under $100. 4 of us went back for dinner it was $48 w tip.

    Dan - The wife and I are going for the Valentine's trip. What is the name and location of the place you write about? (this is my first trip to the PSFL). Am taking your CM220's with me!!

    Many thanks!!

    butch
     
  16. hatidua

    hatidua Senior Member

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    How about Tahiti or Bora Bora?

    Bora Bora (in Tahiti), is the most disappointing destination imaginable if you think it's going to resemble the postcards that are so prevalent. I've had the opportunity to travel quite a bit to tropical destinations worldwide and anywhere in Tahiti will not be on future ventures.

    Now, if a person wants a French-speaking destination, and some of the best fishing on planet earth......and they don't mind sitting in a plane for a while, there's just one place at the top if the list:

    Seychelles.
     
  17. Boston Tangler

    Boston Tangler Site Sponsor

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    Dan - The wife and I are going for the Valentine's trip. What is the name and location of the place you write about? (this is my first trip to the PSFL). Am taking your CM220's with me!!

    Many thanks!!

    butch
    Its called the Wine Bar - Diag across the street (going uphill) from Veneto - next to Hotel Las Vegas. You can sit outside in this courtyard or inside.
     
  18. masonboro

    masonboro Senior Member

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    Dan,
    Are you talking about "Club Pure" in PTY and "Club Opium" in David ? LOL!!
     
  19. chf1949

    chf1949 Senior Member

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    Its called the Wine Bar - Diag across the street (going uphill) from Veneto - next to Hotel Las Vegas. You can sit outside in this courtyard or inside.

    Thanks!
     
  20. Kassoumay

    Kassoumay Junior member

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