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Senior Member
797 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.............

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

and you thot it was gonna be a dirty joke ;) )

and now for the cabbie that misses frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.

He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse , and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died........ I married his f---ing widow!'


Senior Member
1,105 Posts
Not really related to marriage or old age--but more to the kids. My wife and I have four of the little farts (total age, I should add of 146, all four of whom voted for President Elect Obama--so we are planning on sending them each the following letter:

Dear Kids,

Today, the day after perhaps the most significant presidential election of our Nation's history, your mom and I wanted to share some thoughts with you. You are adults now; you are very bright and perfectly capable of making your own decisions. Long gone are the days when your mom's and my political opinions impacted or should have impacted your own. We want you to know that we respect each of you and your ability to draw the best conclusion based on the facts as you understand them, and we know that you each cast your vote according to your conscience, your intelligence, your education, and your grasp of the world at large.

As a demonstration of our deep respect for your opinions, we have decided that because you have clearly supported Obama and his spoken policy of redistribution of wealth, you will henceforth be removed from our will. This will include all of our property, whether real, personal, or mixed, and whereever the same shall be situated.

This is in no way done from a feeling of retribution for your political choice, but simply because it will allow us to re-direct those funds to others in the country who are more in need. We would never want to insult you by suggesting that you would feel right accepting an inheritance when there are so many who are less fortunate than you. It is our understanding that as rich Americans, we are incapable of making a sound decision regarding the disposition of the wealth we have accumulated.

Accordingly, your respective portions of our estate (after subtraction of substantial death taxes, of course,) will be bequeathed to the General Fund of the Treasury of the United States of America, that they may more appropriately determine the most worthy recipients.

The only exception to this will be the ranch which has been in our family since before Texas won its independence from Mexico--our thinking is that it will make an excellent state park--which we intend to have named "The Obama Biden, and Pelosi State Park of South Texas." Tears are forming in our eyes at this very moment.

We know you will be pleased with this decision and we love you both.

Mom & Dad

Oh, by the way fishermen, I understand President Obama's Senate seat is up for sale--and personally, if I had the money, I would buy it and install Gunsmoke in the U.S. Senate. It is my belief that his appointment would truly result in "...change we could believe in!" Not much hope, but a whole lot of change! :D
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