Actual Court Statements!

Discussion in 'Jokes and Funny Things' started by Ragman, Mar 21, 2007.

  1. Ragman

    Ragman Moderator

    863
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    From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
    Said to be statements people actually said in court, word for word.


    Q: What is your date of birth?

    A: July fifteen.

    Q: What year?

    A: Every year.

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    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    A: I forget.

    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    Q: How long has he lived with you?

    A: Forty-five years.

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    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    Q: And why did that upset you?

    A: My name is Susan.

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    Q: And where was the location of the accident?

    A: Approximately milepost 499.

    Q: And where is milepost 499?

    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

    A: After the accident?

    Q: Before the accident.

    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

    A: Yes, sir.

    Q: What did she say?

    A: What disco am I at?

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    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
    it until the next morning?

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    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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    Q: Did he kill you?

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    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

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    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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    Q: She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there any girls?

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    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A: I went to Europe, Sir.

    Q: And you took your new wife?

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    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death.

    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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    Q: Can you describe the individual?

    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
    which I sent to your attorney?

    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    A: Oral.

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    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.

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    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for breathing?

    A: No.

    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    the autopsy?

    A: No.

    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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    Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

    A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.