Celebration

[Snagged]

Celebration



An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig pen when the woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Frank," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Millie," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[Uncle Russ]

Same farmer caught his 12-year-old identical twin sons jerking each other off out behind the barn. He grabbed them both by the scruff of the neck and beat the crap out of them with a pick handle. Then he went inside and told his wife what had happened.

"Oh, don't worry," she said, "youngsters go through phases. Just leave them alone and they will grow out of it."

But the old farmer wasn't convinced. "I don't know, Honey," he replied, "I'm afraid if we don't deal with it now, it'll get worse. Hell, they may take up golf."

[Snagged]

Or become democrats?

[Uncle Russ]

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! You old political dog, you. I'll bet you wouldn't have voted for Atilla the Hun because he was too liberal!

Russ

[Snagged]

Your correct!

[Uncle Russ]

That same farmer one day just before Christmas, was standing out by his barn in his overalls, with a ratty old piece-of-shit shotgun, waiting for a goose to fly over. Across the fence from his place there was a dude from Dallas--all dressed up in a $5,000.00 hunting outfit and $2,000 dollar boots with a bright orange vest on and pipe in his mouth--not to mention a 1934 custom-made Purdy double worth more than the farmers whole spread. Pretty soon a big Canada flew over and the Dallas guy popped him with one shot--only problem was the goose fell over the fence and right at our farmer friend's feet.

The dude put down his gun and crawled under the fence and walked over to get his goose. "What you doing, Sonny?" the farmer asked. "Well, I'm getting my goose," the dude replied. "No you ain't, Boy--he landed on my property and he's mine now." The Dallas Dandy looked sad and said, "Look, Mister, I promised the Missus a goose for our Christmas dinner. Isn't there any way we can work this out?" "Well," the old farmer said, "how about we have a contest to see who gets it? I'll kick you in the balls just as hard as I can--then you kick me--and so on and whoever gives up, the other guy gets the goose." The dude looked doubtful, but said OK.

Now the farmer was a big, strong old boy and he drew back his leg, took a couple of practice kicks and then delivered a boot to the Dallas Dude's groin that would have felled an elephant. He flew back and fell on the ground about 5 feet back, screaming in agony and clutching his nether regions. After about 20 full minutes, he regained his composure, struggled to his feet and gasped through clenched teeth: "OK, you sonofa*****--it's my turn now."

The old farmer smiled, handed him the big Canada and said: "Naw--that's OK. You can keep the goose."

Russ

[Fishhead56]

Me and my 3 brothers used to spend summers in Montana on a Great Uncles ranch this was in the early sixties and I was in grade school.
One year, before I knew what was up and included in on the "good jokes ". We had returned home from a summer up there and at our first dinner home my mom asked if we had learned anything new about the ranch stock. My oldest brother chirpped up and said.
"Yep sheep lie"
My mom did not catch on nor did I until I heard the whole story
a few years later.

[Deep_Sea_Gull]

BaaaahhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

[Uncle Russ]

They certainly do lie. I actually had a brief affair with a female sheep once--until I found out she was trying to pull the wool over my eyes. She had mohair than any previous date I ever took out.

[lite-liner]

Mohair. good one. still laughing my ass off over the goose joke!
-B