Berating About Raw Fish (BARF)

[Uncle Russ]

This board is deader than a Hillary supporter in Hell, right now, so I want to get something off my chest--I have no doubt this thread will be left to die a well-deserved death, and I am OK with that, but I just hope everyone who eats raw fish gets to see it first. Here's the deal:

I hate raw fish—and not only raw tuna (whether you call it “ahi” or “sushi” or “sashimi” or “puss ‘n freakin’ boots”), but also raw ling, raw bass, raw alligator gar or raw snakehead—I hate all of it. It gives you parasites, and liver flukes, and nematodes and if you eat a lot of it you are almost certain to look down in the toilet a couple of months later and see a 32-foot tapeworm looking back at you. And for what—so you can tell all your high-falootin’ country-club buddies that you “…ahem, dined on most excellent sashimi topped off with an excellent, aromatic vin blanc that had a naïve domesticity to it but that was faintly amusing.” Don’t give me that crap, Vern—you ate raw fish, and then tried to kill the taste by swilling it down with cheap wine.

It is against God's will to eat raw anything. That's why he invented fire.

I damned near went to sleep driving all around New Orleans because both gimmedeal and Drifter were competeing with each other over who was the coolest, looking for some kind of green-rotted-horse-radish crap to dip their raw fish in before going on to Venice. We never did find any and I swear it ruined their trip. Both of them clamored on about how lightly seared they wanted their tuna--but then I saw both of them sneak out and feed it to the cats--but the cats rejected it. My own tuna turned out delicious, and so was the ribeye--well done.

The truth is that Americans are dilettantes. We love America with all our hearts, but we don’t really think that it is cool to be an American and talk loud, and fart, and drink Gallo, and eat our food the way the good Lord intended--cooked to pieces. So we imitate other countries that we think are cool. For a long time it was the French—now it’s the Japanese. We think the Japanese pay a thousand dollars a pound for raw fish (and then eat if for God’s sake) so we think we ought to do that too. It's kind of like seeing someone cleaning out a latrine with a soda cup and a straw. Yeah, they might be doing it but it damned sure doesn't mean I have to!

I have no doubt that in a few years, we will abandon our love for raw fish and start eating raw ground-dwelling beetles alive, in the manner of South American Indians.

I have a fishing buddy who is otherwise quite sane. I have watched him preparing ceviche and while doing so, reach inside the shorts he has worn for 5 days and scratch his butt, then go on handling the food. When I confronted him with it, he said, “Now Russ, the lemon juice cooks the fish—so you don’t have to worry.” The hell I don’t.

I’ve got news for you—the Japanese don’t really eat sushi—they just lie about it and then watch us eating it and laugh like hell at us behind our backs. And what’s more, there are a lot of other things that the Japanese indulge in that I don’t recommend—like eating rhinoceros horn to help you get it up—I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. Besides, it was really tough on my pet rhino.

And not only do I hate raw fish, but I don’t like people who eat raw fish—I have no respect for any of you. God intended man to eat his meat and his fish—now hear this—well done. No if s, and s or but s about it. And if I find out you disagree with that one basic principle, then I don’t want to have anything to do with you—you are on my enemies list—you are either for me or against me—I will feel about you the same way I would kissing a member of the Donner party after she munched down on the leg of her brother-in-law.

Yechhh.

And with that I am going to close by sharing Uncle Russ’s own personal favorite tuna recipe with all of you:

Slice your tuna into ¼ inch steaks.
Boil it for 30 minutes.
Dry off on paper towels.
Place in a skillet and cook in hot oil for an hour, turning every 5 minutes.
Remove and grill over very hot coals for 30 minutes.
Slice with a knife to check that there is no pink in the middle.

Cover with catsup and serve. After all, presentation is everything.

Russ

[Snagged]

Russ,
Now you've managed to offend me with the following statement "but we don’t really think that it is cool to be an American " not only is it cool to be AMERICAN it is GREAT to be an AMERICAN.

[Uncle Russ]

snagged: No offense--speaking only in the collective "we". Probably should have said "some of us." I love being an American too. Hell, When I hear: "Press one for English", I hang up. But I don't eat raw fish.

Russ

[Snagged]

Russ,
My motto has always been try it once it might be fun. A night drop out a plane is wonderful!

[jureal]

I'll bring my own Wasabi on the November trip.....lol

Russ.....get with it....It's, well.....an acquired taste.

Did, I ever tell you about the time that my mother-in-law thought that big ole bowl of WASABI was guacamole?

[Bret]

Originally Posted by jureal

I'll bring my own Wasabi on the November trip.....lol

Russ.....get with it....It's, well.....an acquired taste.

Did, I ever tell you about the time that my mother-in-law thought that big ole bowl of WASABI was guacamole?

Yeah, Russ its not that bad...... the wasabi/ginger/soy combo is used to get that shitty tuna taste out of your mouth...

Jureal, I have seen a few folks get a mouthfull of wasibi as well... they looked like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of their Ears and nose

[Grescobia]

I look forward to your post uncle Russ. you make my day.

[Fishhead56]

Dear Uncle Russ;

I would beg to differ with you on one of your pionts. But I can't pick just one!
LoL

Very funny stuff again.
Thanks

K2

[hatidua]

Don't hold back Russ, tell us how you really feel!

[Muddskipper]

Russ,

you really should of tried the 5 day old butt hair Civeche style....it would of made you a believer........